Tuesday, May 22, 2007

mojito: the marrying kind

Sometimes I try really hard to find the Swine’s redeeming qualities. I figure there must be a few, after all Audrey does love him and her teacher must to put up with his atrociously disastrous apartment, but at the end of the day, what’s to like? Let’s ponder this topic for a moment, shall we?

Okay, moment over. What have we learned?

1. At one time he had good taste, because he married me, naturally. But then he covered himself in tattoos, piercings, grew out his (trying to grow a chin*) hair, and shaved his end so he looks like a troglodyte biker dude, which doesn’t really suit him, trust me on this. So, that cancels out his good taste quality, as it apparently no longer exists.

2. I add a #2 because back in the 5th grade when I learned how to make outlines, my teacher told me that you couldn’t have an A without a B or a 1 without a 2, and not so much because I actually think there could possibly be two redeeming qualities in the person whose very existence seems bent on making my life a living hell. So, thinking...thinking...God, I’m drawing a blank, oh except my use of the word “God” just reminded me of one redeeming quality, or at least something that might redeem him in somebody’s eyes,though not very necessarily in my own. He doesn’t take the Lord’s name in vain. Yep, that’s it. I however have a terrible habit of saying “God!” never “Jesus!” or “Jesus Christ!” or even “Jesus H. Christ!”, but God! I do say on occasion. And because he hates it so much when people do that, he would say “F*ck!” loudly and obnoxiously to counter my abhorrent use of the word god. I don’t know about you, but that just served to make me not like him very much. Any one still wondering why we got a D-vorce?

3. As I’m still trying to find these illusive redeeming qualities, I figure that I might as well endeavor to find a third - no matter what. (Did anyone else just pan to the gum commercial with the cute, blonde Brit and her twinkling teeth?) I’m done trying. I give up. Sorry, Swine, you are completely lacking in discernible redeeming qualities, but feel free to have the ones you call friends contact me and set me straight because I would be more than happy to learn something good, positive, upstanding, or redeeming about the person I told I would honor and obey in sickness and health, because I am at a complete loss.

I really want to write “and on another note” because I how great would it be if I had one, so I can move on from the Swine subject - here goes – So, on another note, I worked 60 hours last week, which was why there were no follow-up posts to my “hallelujah, I’m back!” pukes. But I really loved working that 60 hours because I was working with Wynn doing stuff that I truly enjoy, and it was a tremendous week. Hey, what do you know I just thought of a redeeming quality for the Swine – he wants to spend time with his daughter, and it was because of the time he spent with her last week that I was able to throw myself full throttle into work, which I never do on her weeks with me. So thank you, Swine, for the every other week option to be a workaholic. Yum!

And, you know that one sentence in my sidebar with that part where I mention how great my ass looks in those jeans (trust me, they really, really do)? Well, that part right before, I am working really hard on that and something just might come to fruition before the end of the month, so I can use all of the crossed fingers, well wishing, juju bee mojos that you can spare, because the good Lord above knows how much I want and neeeeeed this. Oh, and it must be said that the word mojos reminds me of mojitos, and yum, I love me some mojitos. Love. It was pretty much forever love at first sip. Yep, I could maybe marry a mojito. Uh huh. I could, really, because you can be damn sure that a mojito would never tell you it was okay to move to London and then ha! sue you for full custody citing abandonment as the reason. Now, my dear chickens, that is a redeeming quality if I ever saw one!

* a frank zappa song, no?