Friday, May 11, 2007

Peek a Boo

I've been staring at the blank posting screen for some time now, and I honestly don't know what to say. Where have I been? Steve got really sick after my last post, then Audrey got sick, then my ovarian cyst burst, I didn't even know they were in there, and apparently the ultrasound I'd had a couple of months before didn't show them, so that was fun, childbirth worthy pain. And that experience more than any I've had recently would be very blogworthy. So why haven't I blogged? I've been trying to figure that out. Every morning I wake up and think, Crap, I didn't post again last night. I meant to, really I did. Or at least I think I did.

I started my blog because I love to write. I continued my blog because it was a way for me to deal with the horrible junk I was going through. And while I am not by any means free from the junk, the motivation to record it has dissipated. But why today of all days to return? I think because I no longer want to write for my audience. I don't want to care about the number of comments or returning the favor. I don't want to care about the numbers I had when I blogged regularly. I just want to write without the worry of the other stuff that's bogged me down and impeded my ability to express myself. I sort of miss the old days at my old blog before anyone read me, when I wrote the stupidest stuff because it was really just for me.

I love having readers and I love having comments and I love the blog friends that I've made especially the ones that were there before the big delete and stuck through all of the absences, but I can't make this blog about that anymore. Maybe that is the very essence of a blog, and I break the rules by saying any of that, but guess what? I DON'T FREAKING CARE ANYMORE.

So I'm going to make every effort to get back to blogging, because that means I am writing again, and by golly I've missed it. I'm still reading and enjoying and love to discover new blogs, and honestly there are some whose links I've lost, so if you're one of the blog friends and I haven't said hello in a while, let me know where I can find you. Also I'm horrible about returning emails, so I am wiping the slate clean. Thanks for all of your kind words, I'm sorting and sticking them in folders, but I can't write everyone back, though from today forward I'll endeavor to be better.

Okay I'm done with this windy bag of nonsense that probably contradicts itself. Bear with me I haven't written in a while, and to top it off my computer ate all of my photos from December onward. Why, for the love of God have I not learned to back up my crap?