Friday, February 5, 2010

outstretched wings

I named my first blog Narcissist Flight, because I started it on the heels of my separation from the Swine. Escaping that sinkhole of a marriage was a victorious self-indulgent leap into the air. It was a flight that landed me in the arms of another soul sucking man almost immediately. And I am happy to announce that life since Steve is great. It's like I'm breathing fresh air for the first time in over a decade. I made a toxic mistake marrying the Swine, followed by the caustic error of being with Steve, and boom, my twenties were gone in milliblink.

Year 29, though, that was the year. I did things I've never done before, I widened my horizons, I explored and I experienced. In other words I lived. I went out with boys and didn't marry or have children with any of them. I went to Chicago and San Francisco and Hawaii. I smoked a cigar and did a pub crawl. And this year a month in, I've been to Vegas (for CES) and learned how to Whistler of all places. And I'm due to go to New York City for the first time at the end of the month. What boundaries? I'm reluctant to get a boyfriend. I push them away when they get close, because when the result of my two longterm relationships is a Swine and a betraying Brit, I sometimes wonder if all of the experiences I'm having in my new found state of celibacy is much preferable to the stultifying other.

Besides, my job, the one that I got to replace the sucky one I was laid off from ( thank you, truly horrible boss - I mean it), really, really rocks and for the first time, I've had a job for 14 months and counting and still like, nay love, it. Of course, it's demanding and I travel, but I rock at it. And it's a life changer. I'm a stronger, more confident person since I started working there.

I'm entertaining and fun and people love me. Is that narcisstistic to say? Who cares? It's true. My work life rocks. I just kind of suck at real life. One guy told me that my schedule is stupid. One friend got pregnant and had her baby in the space of time that I went without seeing her. I've mostly made new friends, ones that don't mind not seeing me often. They don't know any different. Relying on my calendar and giving two hour time slots two weeks apart doesn't work for most men, so I shrug my shoulders and plug myself into experience. I build relationships and network and sniff the air around me. It smells good up here.