Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Defying Gravity

Starting a new blog never happened. The prospect of starting from scratch was too wearisome, and then I went through a lot. What else is new?

In a nutshell...the Swine did more swine-like things and I spent a year fighting him and lost. Steve betrayed me in a most unforgivable way, so he is out of my life forever, and I try not to remember how silly and childlike I was about him from the beginning. Ah, very defined they are in my life.

Determined to make better choices and live a good decade for once in my life, I defy those that have tried to bring me down. Of course, I'm filled with vitriol toward the Swine and his Warrior Princess wife...because how else do you react emotionally to people that do everything in their power to take away and manipulate your child. But we're not talking about that now. We're not talking about the custody battle that I lost, because uh, I have a job and at the time, neither of them did meaning they can spend more time with her than the big, bad working mom. We're not talking about the fact that almost immediately after the case was resolved, he accepted a job in Afghanistan and won't tell me when he's coming back and I have to let my child continue to spend more time with a warrior princess than her mother because the world sucks and I live in it. Bringing lawyers into the mix again and wondering how one man can change so much that only the name Swine suits him for all eternity no matter how he might henceforth try to redeem himself, not that he would ever attempt such a thing.

And so I swirl on with my life, a bifurcated life of part time motherhood and most time single girl in the big, bad world. A life lived floating from person to person. Nothing is steady; all is ethereal. And I marvel at how many chapters 2009 had. There was the month I hung out on boats. There was the month that I saw new cities. There was the month one fell in love with me, and I didn't fall back. And the backstory of every chapter is the drama with Swine.

New friends, which I make all of the time in this odd, single, third-time mother life I lead, are suprised to learn I have a child. Most learn on Facebook rather than through me. I don't bring it up. To bring up being a mother begs the question, where is your child? And then more questions and I hate answering questions about that part of my life because it is painful. Mothers of 8-year-old children aren't supposed to be able to hang out on boats or visit new cities so often, but that's the life I'm used to, and now it's weird to be a mother. Mother time is special and treasured, but I feel so disconnected from my daughter's real full life, and I hate that. So I don't talk about it. Because not talking about it makes the days without her more livable.

So here I am, and though I can never go as deep below the surface as I used to because of them that know of the site, I can write about them here, and that will provide deep satisfaction. Their evil can be as evil is, and I will just record it. And the great thing about kids is that they grow up, and if Audrey ever wants to know the why of it all, I'll have a place to point her. This, this is what I dealt with for so long. Olive branches mean nothing to Swine, darling, only slop, and I've been dealing with his slop for forever.