a spoon full of sugar helps this bitter post go down

I am fighting fighting fighting the bitterness and hatred that just won’t dissipate, though I can’t decide whether I feed these feelings or try my very best to starve them into nonexistence. Every time I speak to him, my veins go stiff and my head starts to pound. Each conversation shoots me back to that hopeless day, and the pain has not lessened but intensified. Resentment fills my voice when I answer his questions, and I can’t help but bring up my lack of understanding of his action at the beginning of the year. So I do. I bring it up again and again, and nothing he says aids my comprehension because it seems even he doesn’t know why he did it the way he did. How can you lie to your daughter? How can you build her excitement so high only to dash it in one fell swoop? I can still hear her little voice asking me how many more days until she would see me, how many more days until her baby brother would be born so he could see him. And I can hear the pain in her response when I have to tell her that she doesn’t get to come anymore.

The last time I brought it up he told me that he just didn’t think I am a very good mother. So you will understand the rage this incited. My voice was shaking as I asked him if he thought so why he ever agreed to let me go to England in the first place. Why make that agreement? Why? Why? But he doesn’t have an answer.

I have one though. And until he gives me a proper one, it is the only one I have, so forgive me if it sounds overly contrived. When Sam and I spoke of my moving to London, he brought up at the same time his plans to move to Hawaii with his then-girlfriend. We discussed timing and henceforth came to the understanding that because of the timing of my move and the planned timing of his move, Audrey would stay with him first then come to me while he moved and blah, blah, blah – verbal agreement / plan for the future, etc. Silly me. His plans changed. He and his then-girlfriend somewhere along the way decided not to move to Hawaii – could have been the whole impending break-up thing, but that’s just me. So what does my lovely husband do in light of this development? Well, he goes to a lawyer and ruins my life. Isn’t that lovely? Isn’t he charming? Wasn’t I a complete fool to trust someone and hope that we could continue to be friends?

So this is something I haven’t been able to get over nor forgive. Each time I see him, I want to wire his jaw shut for the benefits would be two-fold – he would lose the dreadful gape-mouthed wanderer look and the extra hundred pounds as a fantasy bonus. Each time I hear his voice I cringe knowing that once upon a time he whispered things in my ear and we made love and had a child.

So yes, I hate him. I hate everything about him. I hate that I ever thought we could be friends most of all. I hate that I ever confided in him. That more than anything else in the world is for what I am paying. I trusted a snake, and I got bitten. Should I be surprised? I wish that every one I know could hear the conversations we had about the move, the underhanded trickery he used to get me to send him her passport and to get me to give him my address again after he’d lost it so he could send the court papers.

That big mistake, nay huge mistake, that I made in confiding in that slime was that when we were friends and I thought I could trust him I gave him my blog address. Shockingly naïve of me. I’ll be paying for it for the rest of my life. He gave it to others. So you can see how this pattern of trusting him was just sooooo very wrong and I warn all other women to cease and desist immediately. So these others – apparently they still read the blog. You know to laugh at the pieces that are left in Sam’s destructive wake. Hi laughing others.

One of these others may or may not have been the girl with whom Sam was planning to move to Hawaii. And said person may just have read the entry on Sam’s dating Audrey’s teacher. And apparently Sam did not really do things on the up and up by this poor girl. Raise your hand if you are surprised.

So I apologize for letting the cat out of the bag that Sam is a dirty, rotten creep who likes to lull women into a false sense of complacency and lead them on in a horrible, nasty way. Welcome to my world, my friend. Welcome to my world. You have my sincerest apologies that you too have been hurt by the Swine, which by the way seems an aspire new blog name for my esteemed ex-husband.

And I’m the bad parent? Yeah….

Oh and lest all the others forget…my forum, my blog, my freedom, my perspective, my words. Want to tell your own side? That’s the beauty of the internet…Blogs for everyone!!

P.S. We will hopefully be back to regularly scheduled joviality posthaste.

P.P.S. But first...I totally need this for Christmas. Any taker?