Existence

I've missed blogging. 18 months is a long time, and it's been on my mind, but I've stayed away for a lot of reasons. The Swine being probably the largest reason. The Swine who is too dumb to even know the name refers to him. The Swine who was my friend, but who betrayed me and lied to his daughter. The Swine who would that I did not exist, and has, in his mind found a preferable replacement. I'm superfluous, expendable. We're currently embroiled in a bitter battle, because fortunately for Audrey, I don't agree with his biases.

So this isn't about him or her. It's about me. I am the narcissist, after all. Except that doesn't really describe me, because my every thought and action is for my daughter. But it does describe who I am on this blog, so I'll continue in a vein that is true to my initial charter. I will no longer be bullied out of something that I love, on a forum to which I feel a connection, because of some sicko's misguided vendetta (yes, I mean you) and attempts to use things he doesn't comprehend against me. FYI crushed skull is metaphor for desire for counter pressure to counteract sinus pressure. Capeesh?

Wow, I'm surprised how wonderful it feels to be back. I haven't written, really written, since my last entry here. And my fingers and mind have been itching to connect to the keyboard. Hours at the piano exercise both, but doesn't provide either a release from the thoughts and words that pile up in this mind of mine.

I'm still reeling from everything I've gone through since I started blogging in July 2004. And I'm sad that I trusted people that I trusted, married the person that I married. Thought the best of the people I thought the best of. I've been punished for the actions of others, some have punished me for their own actions. I could have been stronger, but at the end of all of this, I'll emerge less innocent, less trusting, harder and more cynical.

But my heart is not there yet. I teared up today reading the blog of an old blogger friend. She just had her first baby on Sunday. A beautiful healthy boy. I didn't expect the tears. I thought the ache had dissipated enough. But contrary to my mind's belief, the grief hasn't gone away. Though Steve and I are no more, the longing for my son carries on. The impact of those twelve days surprise me.

I'm at a new job now where no one knows of Steve or Oliver. If I want, they can just never be a part of who I am again, and it's weird to be just the mother of one, to have no son to anyone but me and Audrey. He is nothing to no one.

I didn't mean to write about him tonight. I didn't have a plan though, and I like the lack of pressure. While I have no idea who might still have me bookmarked or subscribe to my feed, the thought of no one or everyone being out there is soothing. And while I wouldn't be surprised if he still follows, I hope not. I don't want him to be the only one I write to. I rather no one than him. But I could have found a new url, a new blog. So if he is the only one:

Hi, Swine, wish you weren't here.