Tuesday, February 20, 2007

six weird things....

I've seen this everywhere, and as y'all know I rarely do memes, because they are everywhere, but after sunShine posted hers twice, I figured the world needed another weird things post. I don't know how weird this stuff is, but I know I haven't mentioned it here before, so have at it:

1. I hate PBJ sandwiches. HATE. But I like peanut butter, and I like jelly. I HATE them together. And heaven help the soul that gets a molecule of peanut butter in the jelly jar or vice versa, I will taste it, I will barf, and I will come after you. We always had to have PBJs for lunch when I was a kid. So I just slathered one piece with jam and the other with PB and got along just fine. So, there.

2. I pass gas and burp A LOT. Like more than a human being ever should. Like I need to seek medical help, but I never would because who wants to tell her doctor she farts too much. So I spend my work days in misery and my evenings and weekends making Steve and Audrey miserable, well not really. They just laugh at me. And laugh. And laugh. Ok, guys, you can stop now.

3. I married the Swine because I didn’t believe in living together before marriage. Holy heavens! I love God and all. I believe that Jesus is my savior, but never ever will I ever espouse that being the driving force for marrying someone you love. Ever. I knew it was a mistake within weeks, but I also didn’t believe in divorce. Nearly four years later and all those tunes changed. I’ll live in sin till the cows come home and the angels sing Gloria from the heavens if I have to.

4. I graduated from high school never having kissed a boy. My pastor said it was because I had “pretty girl” syndrome. Not the kissing thing, but the no boyfriend thing. Why my pastor was interested in my dating life remains an unanswered question. He was wrong, though. Really, it was because I was deathly afraid of boys wanting The Sex. Or really, I was afraid I wouldn’t say no because Friends and my one promiscuous pal, Jacquie, said The Sex is really, really nice. So my first time was with the Swine. Ah, isn’t that special.

5. I have half a middle fingernail on my right hand, and by golly, is it ever embarrassing. It all started with the manicure. It shore looked purdy, but then this little bit of white grew at the nail bed. And then there was pain and swelling, and Steve calling it my “penis finger.” Ha, ha, really funny, Steve. So along with the pain and swelling, came my nail separating from the base, and stuff would get stuck in there, which is just gross. So now I have to keep the right have of my nail trimmed down to the cuticle and all my doctor told me to do was grow it out and paint it. I can’t do that. It hurts and stuff get stuck down there. Did I mention how gross that is? I used to keep a bandaid wrapped around that finger, because it’s so embarrassing when someone notices the nail while I am talking to them and gesturing with my hands. Now I just reserve the bandaid for special occasions like my triple homicide trial when I go down for popping the Swine, the WWN and my doctor, whose ability to earn her MD baffles me. (Disclaimer: To the prosecution, should any of those nefarious people die, I know that I have motive, many in fact, and I just said that I would kill them on my personal website, but please note that this is an idle joke, for the amusement of my readers and not an overture for something I intend to do in the very near future. Thank you.)

6. I am a complete and incurable nerd. I try to elevate myself by reading thick and notable books (like the chic lit I mentioned in my last post), knitting, playing the piano, but by George do I love me some video games. When I first returned from London, I stayed with my mom for a couple of weeks. My sister and I played hours of Mario Cart on the Nintendo 64. Hours. Like, send out a couple resumes, play 4 hours of Mario Cart. It was really kind of pathetic, a 26 year-old playing the same tracks over and over. I’m going to fix that though. I scouring Craig’s List for the perfect deal on a used Nintendo GameCube. I converted Steve from the History Channel to Fox, now I’m going to turn him on to the world of Mario and then my domination will be complete. *Insert evil laugh here* All I can say to redeem myself in your eyes is to inform you that I do indeed play wearing kick-ass jeans and BCBG stilettos. If I’m going to be a nerd, I may as well look good in the process, thank you very much.