Unpredictable

I've been contemplating the best way to do this, but really there is no 'best way.' A week ago my story would have been completely different. I would have written about the how my feverish self was admitted to the hospital, observed for the night, induced in the morning and given an emergency c-section in the afternoon to deliver a beautiful 9lb 2oz. baby boy who we named Oliver Harry. I would have written about how they tried four different times to get the iv needle placed properly and how hard they had to push and pull to get the big lug of a baby out of my neatly compacted belly, weren't we all surprised at his size?, I would have written about how astonished we were at his beauty. But things change in a week.

My son, Oliver Harry was born Thursday, February 9, 2006 at 2:14 pm. He weighed 9lb 2 oz. He was the most beautiful baby we'd ever seen...auburn hair, expressive eyes, little button nose, perfect ears, except the right one, which bore the same indentation in the same place as his father's ear. He was his daddy's child through and through. His daddy was the only one who could change his diaper without getting a peep of complaint.

My son, Oliver Harry was born Thursday, February 9, 2006 at 2:14 pm. He weighed 9lb 2 oz. We took him home Sunday afternoon. We were so glad to be home. We got on the webcam and shared him with our family and Audrey, who said that her "baby brother is the most beautiful baby in the whole world." She was completely enamoured of him. As we all were. He was the perfect baby. Never a cry, never a complaint. He just gave a loud shrill scream to let us know he was hungry in the event we missed that he was trying to stick his entire fist down his throat as a substitue for milky sustinence.

My son, Oliver Harry was born Thursday, February 9, 2006 at 2:14 pm. He weighed 9lb 2 oz. Sunday night, a week after we brought him home, we went the emergency room. I was having severe back pain and could take it no more. Right before we left, our little Oliver spit up and choked and went a little limp, scaring me out of my wits, so we decided to have him checked out since we were going to be there any way. The first emergency room was too busy, so we went back to the hospital in which Oliver had been born. We were seen after five minutes. A lovely nurse named Jennifer asked all about my symptoms and I complained to my heart's content and then she moved on to Oliver, who had been sitting contentedly cooing in his car seat while his daddy caressed his cheek. She lifted him out of the seat and smiled at him, then compressed a bit of skin on his chest with her finger to check coloring. She left the room with him, saying she was going to go get a probe or something. She returned several minutes later.

My son, Oliver Harry was born Thursday, February 9, 2006 at 2:14 pm. He weighed 9lb 2 oz. On Sunday February 19, 2006 my son crashed. They spent 45 minutes pumping his little heart for him. In the morning CATS came and we moved him to the PICU at Great Ormand Street Hospital.

My son, Oliver Harry was born Thursday, February 9, 2006 at 2:14 pm. He weighed 9lb 2 oz.
Today, he died. We don't know why. Hopefully some day we will. It is coroner's case now.

I can't describe the pain. Or what it feels like to be home without my son. He was everything to us. And now I have a healing c-section scar and milk-filled breasts that achingly remind me every moment of his absence. We had a lovely week with him. I will always cherish my little son. My little guy, I called him. It wasn't enough time. I want him back so much, but I thank God for every minute and second I did have.

Bless you, Oliver.